Small World, Part I: Natalie

I used to live in Dallas from 1981 to 1989 before moving to a new town in another county. I was glad to get out of that place, where I suffered years of taunts and social abuse — if I never again had anything to do with the people I knew in Dallas, I would be a happy man.

Years later, I went off to college, earned a degree, then saved up money to visit England and France in 1998 with Jim. Regular visitors to this blog will know that 1998 went down as the hardest year of my life — you’ll get a bit more insight into why when you continue.

Before our trip, we needed to get a good pair of hiking boots and a trip to R.E.I. soon came about. We were assisted in the shoe department by a very cute, tall, blonde and total stranger. She raced about, getting us different pairs of boots, socks, and accessories. While I was sitting and she was kneeling in front of me lacing up yet another pair of boots, she pauses, looks up at me and asks:

“You’re Matthew McGarity, aren’t you?” I’m surprised. Jim’s wide-eyed and expecting a dramatic explanation for why a stranger would know my name.

My blank expression leads her to ask, “You don’t remember me, do you?”

I honestly answer no and ask her to give me a hint. She says her name is Natalie. “Natalie…Natallie…Natalie…” I repeat until that chain is broken by, “Holy crap! Natalie!” And then it hit me: she was the girl that lived across the cul-de-sac from me as a child, with whom I played with everyday after school. Natalie was the first girl I ever had a crush on, one of the only people I thought highly of while growing up, and there she was right in front of me!

As we talked, Natalie and I found out we had some things in common, including going to UNT. She was soon to graduate and head out west to get a master degree in ocean biology or somesuch. At the end of the day, she wished me luck on my European adventure, and I responded rather awkwardly, “Yeah, good luck with whatever you do.” As poetic as this encounter might have sounded, at the time I did not appreciate much of anything associated with Dallas, including Natalie living there. Growing up there was very hard, and I had found wonderful things outside of Dallas during my high-school and college years. Why would I want to do anywhere near all of that was my reasoning. Silly I realize now, but at least she cared to remember my name. That still blows me away to this day.

“Sorry, Gotta Go!”

Although this story is ancient, it’s received a fair number of encores over the past few months. And it’s appropriate to tell again, since some of these same thoughts and experiences are being relived, not just by me but by some of my more artistically-tuned friends.

In retrospect, the year 2000 turned out to be the hardest and most amazing year of my life. At the beginning, I was dating Rebecca, a girl that I thought might be the one — it turns out that she had other ideas, as just two days after our anniversary she broke up with me. On February 2nd, Groundhog Day ironically enough, a day that is dominated by stories of shadows and seems to repeat itself over and over.

My heart was crushed, and more trivial plans of mine were screwed. The most-immediate of these was my plan for the weekend before Valentine’s Day. Because my own car was not road-worthy, I had plans to borrow Rebecca’s car a quick weekend visit to Austin. Micha had secured some tickets to a comedy club, and I was going to spend a day or two with her before heading back up to school. When said girlfriend was removed from the equation, so was her car and my plans were shot. So the Friday of that aborted weekend, Ellen invited me to a party her crack house being hosted by her and the two roomies. Ellen was well-aware of how devastated I was and rightly thought I could use the distraction of company.

At the party nursing mixed drinks from bring tumblers, I lamented to Ellen about my loss of love and vacation; Ellen told me how she wished to be down in Austin as well, for a good friend of hers was having a birthday party that weekend. We were quiet for a brief moment. Then, we looked at one another and our thoughts connected simultaneously: “So…why not go to Austin?” And with that, Ellen had a bag packed quicker than a speeding bullet and we abandoned the party she was hosting. One quick trip to Bruce Hall to gather my things, then we were on the road screaming south in the middle of the night.

Our first stop was Midlothian, TX–the Cement Capital of Texas–to pick up her two girlfriends Crissie and Cassie, two of the most-gorgeous sisters I’ve ever met. We switched to their vehicle, our own little partymobile, and with breathtaking swiftness the four of us are lead-footing it to Austin with the hopes of getting me there in time for the comedy club show.

We helped push the homo sapiens species into new evolutionary heights that night, going from the mortal pursuit of driving to flying down the highway towards Austin — beers in hands, foot on accelerator, cares left behind. All sorts of laws were broken that night: state, local, federal, physics, relativity, gravity. I commented that when (not if!) we get busted, it is going to equally epic and bad. Ellen turn to me, smiles that lazy smile of hers, and says, “Honey, you’re in a car with the three most beautiful women in North Texas — ain’t no way we’re a’gettin’ a ticket tonight!” Hard to argue with that logic in Texas.

Do I still have a ticket to the show? I remember to call Micha at this time.

“Do you still have the ticket?”

“Umm, yeah.”

“OK, great — see you there in an hour.”

“Huh?”

I hang up.

We arrive at the Capitol City Comedy Club just minutes before the show is to start — a line of people snakes around the building await entrance. We spill out of the car to Micha’s astonishment. I fetch my bag. Ellen in turn fetches Micha…into her open arms and declares via drunk-voice, “I’m so glad to finally meet you!” Micha is still scarred by this, I believe. The girls jet, I get in line with my big stupid suitcase and small smart sister, suffer the grumpy comments that people made about having to share space with both me and my luggage, and proceeded to laugh my ass off that night.

The next morning, Micha and I are driving along one of the most-beautiful stretches of road ever paved, the Capital of Texas Highway. I’m staring out the window at the breathtaking views: hills and horizons to the west, the distant skylines of Austin to the east, high radio towers on low buttes which do not seem possible to have been man-made. I break the silence with the following epiphany:

“You know, I think I’m going to move to Austin.”

Micha pulls over and her eyes get big. “Really?”

“Yep…I think I’m going to move here ASAP.”

Micha gives me the biggest hug. It was going to mean so much for her best friend to live nearby.

So early the next morning, Ellen picks me up and we made the long drive back to Denton. I would discover in the near-future that this drive will always be slow because I know what I’m leaving behind by leaving Austin.

The next morning, Monday, Valentine’s Day, I woke up at 7am refreshed as never before. Got to work at 8am and promptly called our central housing office in order to meet with our chief of housing, Betsy. Receptionist says that 4:30pm is her earliest free opportunity, which is cutting into both my 4pm one-on-one meeting with my boss Kelly and my hall’s 5pm staff meeting. I decide to take it — if I miss any of my meetings to turn in my resignation, what are they going to do…fire me?! I idle away the rest of the day, smug in the knowledge of my little secret.

At 4pm, Kelly and I meet like usual. Earlier in our professional relationship, the two of us argued many times about the best direction for the hall. By this time, we’d ironed out some of our differences and learned to accept the strengths within one that made them carry out decisions that frustrated the other. I had intended to begin the meeting with my news, but Kelly had a subject more urgent to speak about.

“There are these great head hall director positions opening up, I found out, and I think you should apply because I think you’ve got a lot of what they’re looking for,” she says. I chuckle, not believing how this is going to color what I need to tell her. But I roll with it. I lean back in my chair, place my fingertips together, and ask her, “Like what?” So I listen for a little bit as Kelly waxes about all sorts of my positives, about how she thinks I’ve grown a lot during out time together, that my charisma and smarts will take me far, what I mean to the residents, etc. I soak it all in, then check the time: 4:25pm. Gotta go! So, I cut her off with, “Kelly, that’s great! But…I’ve got to go. See, I’ve got a 4:30pm appointment with Betsy to turn in my resignation, but we can continue this conversation when I get back.” Kelly’s jaw drops and her eyes bulge out — this is the basis for a whole future generation of animated shorts, I believe. “No, you can’t quit yet!” she squealed, as she wasn’t ready for me to go (wanted to keep working with me, but was also about to take off for maternity leave). Sorry, gotta go.

I speed across campus to meet with Betsy. I wait for a short moment, then get called in. Betsy greets me with her standard nickname for me, “Hey there, Spamster! Didya hear about these head hall director posit–” I cut her off: “Betsy! I’m here to quit!” And in one of the rare moments when anyone has caught her using such language, Betsy says, “Well…shit. Nevermind.” So the two of us talk for a little bit, and I explain to her what happened between Rebecca and I, and more importantly how I needed to make myself move on before I became trapped in the Denton life. Betsy is smart enough to understand everything I said, for I was going through what all hall directors eventually go through. The difference is I was doing something about it before I was there too long to escape.

To make the rest of the story short, I headed back for our hall staff meeting. During our normal segment of “Things that suck/Things that don’t suck!”, I spilled the beans to my eleven resident assistants. For the most part, they were stunned, as would anyone who went into the weekend thinking one thing about the goals and ambitions of their boss and find out on Monday that they have radically changed course.

My decision quickly spread across campus and I was besieged by students and phone calls. The general opinion was shock: “Holy crap, Matthew’s leaving UNT! Matthew’s is leaving Bruce Hall!” Perhaps they were shocked because I was such an institution, but perhaps they were blown away by the fact that I proved it’s possible to leave school (Bruce lings have a terrible habit of staying long after they graduate).

And so began in my life a course that took me to Austin, across the sea, and back to Dallas in one short year full of amazing excitement, deafening pain, and oceans of indecision through which I’m still wading. Including today, one day before I turn 30.

The Beginning of the Hardest and Best Year of my Life

Back in the day, I had grand dreams of becoming a comic-book artist. It started way back in the 6th grade, when my mother took me to Zak’s (long-time north Texas residents will remember that chain of art stores) and told me I could get whatever I wanted. Even before I knew I wanted to be an artist, my mother had sensed my potential and always encouraged it. I left the store with a sketchpad, handfuls of graphite, and a thirst to create.

Years and sketchbooks and comics and scraps of paper later, it was time to decide on college. Because I was a combination of apathetic, lazy, and aware of the better choice facing me, I applied to only one school, the University of North Texas. I easily got it. I quickly started my art career, and just as quickly discovered that this was not the best place to pursue my dream.

North Texas features a great art program, which by the time I was a freshman had spun off from the liberal arts college to form The School of Visual Arts. Many disciplines were taught, ranging from fibers to watercolor to sculpture to computer art. I chose drawing and painting, a program which was administered by a number of regionally-renowned artists. Names that I recall include Vernon Fisher, Vincent Falsetta, Annette Lawrence, John Pomara, Rob Erdle, and Ed Blackburn. If you’ve been lucky enough to visit the new Modern in Ft. Worth, you’ve also been equally fortunate to have been around the works of some of those artists. Some of their work can be found on this excellent database.

Wanting to be an illustrator in a program with a stronger emphasis on painting and pictoral objectivity was terribly difficult. I didn’t always fit in, but as long as I was creating art and being involved in the studio, it didn’t matter to me. Twice must a painting major pass a barrier review, once at the junior level and once right before one is allowed to graduate. I failed my junior review the first time I went through it, setting me back nearly a year. My teacher and advisor at the time was John Pomara, who I credit with taking my work in many new directions, especially in my use of materials. But it was these “many new directions” that made my portfolio seem chaotic and unthoughtful — basically, my work echoed his and the fact I didn’t see that coming irks me still.

To make a long story short, I worked my ass off and got through my second junior review under Vernon Fisher. After that, I had a full senior year to refine my work into a cohesive pattern, and was largely successful towards the end. My final teacher Annette Lawrence is herself primarily a draftsperson, and under her my drawings flourished in subject, scale, and craftmanship. Senior review came up all too quickly, and despite having a severe case of pneumonia that landed me in the hospital, I was able to round up a strong enough portfolio to graduate. I had passed my senior review and now had a month or so to ponder my future before walking across stage.

A couple of days after my review, I was making the long walk home from the Art Building to my College Inn apartment. It was a cool, clear night in March, just after Spring Break, and I had little on my mind. Then, while passing McConnell Hall, I was stopped cold by a thought that hit me like lightning.

“I don’t want to be an artist.”

And those words rang clear and made the most perfect sense. And I experienced the unburdening feeling one typically feels when they have an epiphany. And I never looked back — to this day, I have not done a painting since and have barely drawn.

The tricky part of this story is explaining not the what, but the how…how could I give up my dream of the past 12 years, especially just a month before I was to graduate? Well, gentle reader, it is unfortunately one of those things that has no explanation. Years would pass before I found someone who had a similar experience, although it was a character within a movie. In Adaptation, a movie that I am not completely fond of, there was a scene that kept me on the edge of my seat. Forced into this position by the empathy surging through me, I watched the scene where the reporter Susan Orlean was interviewing the orchid thief John Laroche and touched upon his habit of switching passions:

ORLEAN: So, did you ever miss the turtles? The only thing that made you ten year old life worth living?

LAROCHE: I’ll tell you a story. I once fell deeply, profoundly in love with tropical fish. I had sixty goddamn fish tanks in my house. I’d skin-dive to find just the right ones. Anisotremus virginicus, Holacanthus ciliaris, Chaetodon capistratus. You name it. Then one day I say, fuck fish. I renounce fish. I vow to never set foot in the ocean again, that’s how much fuck fish. That was seventeen years ago and I have never since stuck so much as a toe into that ocean. And I love the ocean!

ORLEAN: (beat) But why?

LAROCHE: (shrugs) Done with fish.

Done with fish. Done with art.

Simple as that. Perhaps one of these days, I’ll be able to explain it more. But for now, it makes perfect sense to me, which is all that matters.

The Greatest Day of my Life!

Texas Lottery LogoYesterday, I took Micha to the UNT vs. Arkansas State football game. It ended up being a complete ass-whipping on my school’s part, as the Mean Green rolled over the Indians 58-14. This isn’t the first time I’ve witnessed my school beat up a conference patsie, and after each such victory I have jokingly said something to the effect of “This is the greatest day of my life!” Funny I should mention that.

After the game, Micha needed to swing by the grocery store, so I took her to the fancy Denton Kroger. While she was performing the frustrating miracle of self-checkout, I busied myself with exploring the scratch-off lottery vending machine. A ticket caught my eye: $2 Fast Tracks scratch-off with Dale Jr.’s mug pasted all over it. I bit. I bought. I fumed: “Goddamnit, this is a Jeff Burton scratch-off. False advertising!” Somewhere in the world, the wind was whispering in a South Park-like voice, “Shennagins!

We return to my truck Kilgore and prepare to scratch the ticket when we detect a physical bump into the truck! I look left, Micha looks right. Nothing, noone, nada is near my car, noone opened a car door into it, noone hit us, anything. It would turn out to be opportunity knocking, or as Micha put it, “Lady luck running smack dab into my ass.”

Winning numbers to match are 4 and 17. First number I reveal via the miracle of scratching: 4. The prize: $50. I quickly fail my saving throw against disbelief and Micha confirms that yes, for once, I have gained something for nothing. I keep scratching: every number is either a 4 or a 17, and I win a grand total of two-hundred bucks!

I am now a Jeff Burton fan.

And yes, lobster is on me!

It Pays To Pay Attention In Class

Last summer, I was in Korea and Japan for World Cup 2002. I spent my two weeks there travelling with my best friend Jim, and a majority of our time was spent in Korea. But early in our trip, we found the time to take a short trip to Japan. There, we met up with Yuko, whom we met years ago in England at the Shakespeare Institute. So for four days, we stayed with her and her parents (unfortunately their names escape me).

Yuko’s father was nice. He was a huge Yankees fan, and I recall catching him early in the mornings drinking Kirin Ichiban and watching live MLB broadcasts.

Yuko’s mother was silly. Very sweet woman who spoke some English. But when she overheard me talking to Yuko in Japanese…I was sure that if she wasn’t married already that she would have dated me then eaten me up with a spoon! See, in college I took Japanese as a foreign language, and did quite well. And had retained a good amount of the grammar knowledge although my reading recognition sucks nowadays.

On our last night in Japan, the three of us went to a sushi bar — Yuko’s parents were going to treat us to dinner. It was a small place, and the two of them were waiting for us at the bar itself, with the open seats all to the left of Yuko’s mother. Jim goes to sit down next to Yuko’s mother and she shoos him away: “No! No! Matt! Sits here!” Jim was a little surprised at this and capitulated to her demands. I sit down in my rightful place.

During dinner, we learned alot about proper sushi-eating technique. For example, the Japanese rarely use their chopsticks when eating sushi — instead they will finger-dip by turning the piece upside down and touching just the meat to the soy sauce. This is also repeated for rolls, and chopsticks are reserved for capturing pickled ginger slices.

Also during dinner, I tested the true power of celebrity. Like usual, Yuko’s mother was showing me things so that I might read out the Japanese associated with them. Menus, picture books, etc. The sushi chefs overheard me, inquired with Yuko and her parents, and Yuko informed me that they wished to hear me speak more Japanese. So I straighten up and boom out, “Watashi wa nihongo de hanasu koto ga dekimasu yo!”

Translation: “I can speak Japanese very well!”

Result: Sushi chefs raise their knives high and boom out a cheer. Patrons at the surrounding tables raise their sake cups and join in. I turn left and right to greet my adoring audience. Jim shakes his head in disbelief.

Flashing back to 1993, when I was taking four semesters of Japanese in college, my teacher Randell-sensei asked everyone why they were learning the language. Reece and I told her, “Because we want to be on Japanese soap operas!” She was confused at this.

Would she be confused if she saw me at that sushi bar?